Divine Dreamer

Chapter 4 - Learning

Friday came and went with me hiding everything and being anxious but nothing actually happened. I got most of my power back but ended up using it to help Zaria, and then fix up the temple a little. Also I started translating texts for her while knowing that I should be studying my actual classes, rather than doing this monotonous task of working with a scholar in another world to decipher her language enough to magically convert transcribed wikipedia pages into a fantasy language. I was just lazy.

Either way Zaria now had a semi-readable tome of earth science. "So all things are made of these… atoms?" The last word phonetically spoken as her language had no counterpart.

I nodded. Not really feeling words that day, so I just was a mute fox goddess. A divine critter.

Also as a divine critter, the zoomies set in and I wanted to run around and around but my physical body always lacked the energy for exercise, but now I had a divine body in another realm that never got tired and could shapeshift at will!

So obviously I transformed into an actual cute fox and scampered around in circles on my pawbs. My tail going wild as I sprinted around the temple unable to contain my need to move at top speed. I ran around Zaria and left her giggling as I acted like a dumb little animal.

Slowly I increased my size, my pawbs going from small to ground shaking as I bounded between ancient pillars. Oh and I'd flip over to squirm on my back to rub my fur into the fallen stones.

"Are you feeling unwell, my goddess?" Asked the scholar who lived in my temple which was kinda basically my brain.

I shook my head and then nuzzled her. I felt great! Better than I had in years and it was Saturday which meant I could stay home and hide downstairs and just exist! Exist as a creature!

And then I shapeshifted into a dragon, growing scales and wings. My paws turning to clawed limbs. Horns jutted out of my head like a crown and I practically slithered around on all fours hissing with a snake like tongue.

"Having fun?"

My head nodded as I leapt and glided over her before grabbing a pillar and then coiling around it. Tongue tasting the air, eyes seeing in the ambient light.

My friend let me be an excited monster girl while she studied and researched and learned fancy things that I already knew. I tried out all types of shapes and still found fox creature to be my favorite, though dragon and angel were both fun.

Then finally tuckered out from my zoomies I curled into Zariah's lap as a small fox. Her hand found the spot between my ears and I melted into a purr.

"Watching you run about and change forms, it's hard not to see you more as a beast or perhaps a force of nature than a person. A goddess pretending to be a girl… or in this case a fox." Despite her musings she never took her eyes if the texts I gave her. Not to mention her words churned powerful feelings in my gut that I lacked the language to express. Something about how her reverence spoke of me like I wasn't a person. It should have been an insult but... uh feelings to examine later.

I melted into a fox puddle and spent most of the day being a creature. Well outside of eating and getting something to drink. Zaria reminded me and prayed to make sure I'd take care of my mortal body.

Saturday arrived and Zaria examined the mosaic again, and that piqued my interest. The thing was at the center of the temple and there was enough left of it to know that it was once big and fancy. It felt important. To this place, and me being a goddess.

Still not the best for words I nuzzled her and pointed a pawb at the mosaic.

She simply reached down and patted my head. "I've been trying to find the fragments to piece together what it once showed. As you can see here," Her hand reached up and her finger hovered over a portion of the remain. "This section happened to have small individual scenes likely depicting events of importance, Given the repeating pattern towards the outer edges this story formed a frame likely around the center piece dedicated to the goddess herself. And of course you can see from what remains of the center's indent, the depth and geometry of it indicates intentional carving reminiscent of a gem though it'd be one the size of my head."

My tail swished as I observed not with my little fox eyes that weren't able to look up there, but with my ability to perceive everything here. I'd noticed the border but never pieced together the rest of her stuff. I'd always imagined that something had like stabbed that center hole in and it all fell apart. Or that the whole thing was a big magic circle thing that summoned an eldritch horror and was destroyed.

More to the point I noticed the claw mark off to the side. Zaria hadn't commented on it but I remembered that. After all my claws gouged that out. It was before I knew the place was real and I was just… frustrated, and upset and I lashed out. I'd found the claw marks elsewhere too though I fixed most of those up in trying to heal my temple. Anyway my temple had scars. Some self-inflicted. So did my body, but that was just… how life was.

That familiar ache in my arm cropped up. The arm on earth. It hurt sometimes randomly and sometimes when I thought about it. Downstairs and alone, I dismissed the illusion to see my actual new cute sculpted girl body and… and the scar was still there. Even after transforming it was still there. None of my other blemishes seemed to have remained except that scar.

After all the eating and temple fixing up and resting, my divine power felt capable of whatever I wanted. I could just… erase the scar. It'd take some focus but I could do it. I should do it. I didn't need to carry it around anymore. It'd been five years. It ached a little.

Having sat in my chair for a large part of the day my magic had slowly leaked out and everywhere within arm's length of my chair was just saturated enough the universe might not fight me as hard. It'd probably be easier than the tail and the transition.

Holding up a finger I willed a flame to appear hovering over the tip and reality still fought me, but it lost easier. My eyes stared at the small match sized flame.

The creak of the floorboards above my head broke my focus and the flame flickered out as I threw up my illusion just in case.

Then as nothing happened for a few minutes I managed to calm down and realized my brain wandered off into dark thoughts and I wasn't allowed to have those anymore. With dissociation into the temple probably not going to help, I needed a distraction and that's why I owned so many video games!

Not needing to social while having mind preoccupied really helped with bad thoughts, and other kinds of thoughts. It passed the time.

Then Sunday rolled around and the anxiety of 'I have final exams tomorrow ah?!' finally became so anxiety inducing I couldn't not try to cram study everything last minute. So I opened my books, looked over the homework and uh, I wasn't going to remember anything my brain hadn't already latched on to. Heck I didn't know how to study because my brain either instantly learned a thing or it didn't and no one would tell me what to do and then I simply couldn't.

It'd be much easier if I had a cheatsheet. Well one of the classes did allow that. Oh and I didn't need to worry about german because magic. Magic should be able to solve all of my problems, especially final exams. I should be able to snap my fingers and have a completed exam, or like be able to download the info into my brain. Well technically the temple was kinda my brain and I had stored a bunch of wikipedia info in it that I could literally glance at so fast and easy that it was faster than opening the web page… Wait… I could just…

So I magicked up my text books into my temple. Wow, that… no one could see me looking through these, and wow I didn't need to open them to read I could just try and perceive through the closed book and see the words on the pages. Uh, that felt like brain haxs. That combined with the fact that taking care of the temple did improve my divine power made me realize the untapped potential of having my mind be a physical location that could be improved!

Also I should really try working on that plant situation so I didn't need to manually convert air. Could I create life? Creating life definitely sounded like something a goddess could do. Well I'd need a reference plant. Preferably one I could like touch to make sure I made it right.

So uh… that involved going outside and seeing plampts and our backyard did open up to a forest so I just uh, sort of started walking out and snuck past dad and step mom and went into nature. I did leave behind that wisp of magic where my chair was. I'd left behind one at my bed too. So magic would be much harder in the magic free outdoors.

My bare feet crossed the grassy yard that looked like I'd have to start mowing soon because that was my job, a part of my "We don't make your lazy butt pay rent so you must do as we say oh and any back talk means you get yelled at until you can't breath and want to die." Grass gave way to the forest edge where we had a row of overgrown bushes that formed a wall with the woods that deer liked to sneak through. They seemed like nice enough bushes. Though I snuck to the inside the forest side of the bushes because uh didn't want to be seen.

I touched them and pictured it clearly. I'd need the soil too, and then I'd need to pick a spot in the temple for basically a green house. Hmm, that sounded like Zaria could help with that. "Uhm, hey Zaria, I was uh gonna try and uhm bring some plantlife into the temple and where should I put it?" I created an illusion of the plant before me so she could see.

She thought for a moment and walked off towards the bath fountain thing. "They'd need water and the room off to the side here would more than accommodate that plant, and its soil."

"Like this?" And I sort of overlayed an illusion of what I was picturing. The ground deepened a little to put the soil  and then the bushes planted in a row against the wall and magical sunlight radiating from above. Light was fairly easy after all.

Zaria then made a bunch of little adjustment suggestions but ultimately she approved!

And thus came the biggest challenge. Creating life. From scratch. Well I was using a templet but I was willing a living thing into existence and that uh… that had implications. Touching the bush with my hand I focused and pulled in my magic. My well of power deeper than when I created the massive bedroom full of fluff began to coalesce and form into a much more complex shape. Matter assembled into existence. My will made manifest as green leaves and brown bark formed and it swelled with life draining me a pinch more than creation should and it took focus to get all the little details right. To get it to live.

The moment I finished my focus collapsed and I just sort of stood there staring at the leaf before my eyes and also one in my temple. My brain didn't process as I just stood and stared.

"It looks like you were successful. Thank you for the gift of greenery." The scholar inspected the plant and waited a bit. "Are you okay?"

"Uhm…" My thoughts felt muddled as I stood there. The weight of my focus having crashed sort of broke my brain a bit. Maybe more than a bit.

"Did you use too much power?"

"N-No?" I could probably plant all of them and not run out of power, but like… uh…

Pulling back from the plant she looked up in that way she did when talking to me when not manifested. "You seem confused."

"Confused." I echoed.

She walked out of the green house and over to the bedroom where she sat down in the pile of pillows. A hand patted her lap. "Come, sit."

By her order, I manifested as my normal fox-girl self and sat in her lap. Warm arms wrapped around me as I still sort of stared off into space. My brain broke but my head leaned against her chest as she held me snug.

"Is your body safe?"

I blinked. "It's outside."

"Show me."

And thus I moved the eye window illusion over here so she could see. Next she had me turn my head to look around. I was still in her arms and it felt weird to puppet my body while being disconnected from it, but not wholly unfamiliar. It'd happened before. To feel like I wasn't quite there but still seeing and moving. She whispered orders, had me turn invisible with an illusion, had me walk inside to my safest space. My body curled up at my desk, and she had me make sure it was comfortable before her orders ceased.

Zaria, my only friend held me and held me. Held me like a child in her lap. She felt too nice, and kind and of all the explorers to come here, somehow I ended up with her.

A while after I regained my composure I managed to finally speak. "If I'm a goddess, can I make you my priestess? Would that help?"

Her hand ran through my hair. "I am honored by the offer. However I must profess I am not the priestly sort. I carry faith with me like most, but I pursue knowledge not spread faith. I feel I'd be ill suited towards spreading your divine message."

"That's not…" A pout formed on my face as I realized that I was running off a dnd cleric idea not a priestess one. I wanted to give her magic powers to pay her back for helping me, not make her spread religion. I-I was kind of scared of being known. What if folks ended up hating me. I always said dumb stupid things and folks then didn't like me.

So I took a deep breath. "I mean like uhm… I wanted to give you magic powers since you're nice and help me but I guess you already have magic. It's just an idea from some stories I read that uh gods and goddesses give their followers magical powers."

"I see. I've heard of such gifts for a deities favorites but it sounded like hearsay. If that is possible I would humbly accept on the condition you aren't over exerting yourself."

"I-If I figure out how uhm… wait no my magic is stuff I want and then focus on so uh I just need to." I focused on the woman holding me in her arms. My desire to gift her power at the forefront to give her cleric magic like in dnd.

Only this time my magic works different it doesn't give her power but it doesn't fail. Instead my own divinity blooms within my mind expanding my awareness of my own abilities. I could give her powers, but I needed to define the powers I wanted to give. A blessing like of strength or health, or a specific magical skill where a sliver of my will gets bound to her and whenever she taps into it the sliver flawlessly enacts the skill as desired. A perfect spell without the need for incantation, nor gestures that cannot miscast because magic obeys divinity.

I blinked refocusing on the fluffy pillows of the bedroom and on Zaria and my temple. Uh, gah! What the heck powers?! After four days of being a goddess my powers finally explained things? Explain more!

So be it.

The next moment I'm standing not in my temple nor at my house on earth but am standing upon the placid surface of an endless ocean. The stars and galaxies above so clear and bright and vibrant that I found myself staring in awe. The still ocean reflecting it back like a mirror trapped between the infinite cosmos and infinite depths. And then the next moment the stars began to fall each one crashing down right towards me and as it strikes I feel a sliver of a distant memory, and another and another and another. Star after star they pour knowledge into my mind. Someone pouring an ocean into a small cup. It hurt, it hurt, Stop!

And then all at once the stars stopped falling. The ocean beneath and the sky above stilled.

I stopped clutching my head that ceased to hurt. Every bit it tried to pour into my mind trickled out. Confused and worried and not understanding I remained upon the ocean… and then felt the ocean ripple. A disturbance from behind.

Quickly I pivoted on my heal counter swaying with my tail and faced a silhouette rising from the ocean. The figure made of a stary sky pulled free of the ocean and stood upon its own two feet. Its tail swished and it faced me… looking like a starry reflection.

You aren't ready.

Ready for what?

To remember.

"Who are you? What is this place? Am I a goddess or-or is this some kind of joke or—"

I'm you. We're us. This is our divine realm. Our divinity. I'm the parts you don't remember before we made ourself… you.

My mouth hung open as I watched the starry fox girl wiggle and casually stroll around me. She was me? Yes. And I forgot? Naturally. But what did I forget? All sorts of things! But-but what does it even mean for me to be a goddess? Immortality, power, authority "I'm immortal?" No but we are.

I kept turning to keep her in sight but she kept moving and giving me cryptic answers. Gah! I transformed into a big fox and pounced her. The starry me trapped under paw. "Explain!"

I tried, you weren't ready, you asked me to stop.

When did I—and she booped my snoot causing me to remember that whole star shower. Oh. Right. Curse my attention span issues! "Okay maybe I asked you to stop but you could like explain things better without dumping infinite cosmic knowledge into my brain."

Maybe! But you aren't being clear with what you want and you cut me out and refuse to let me back in to know for sure.

"Well letting you back in felt like I was dying."

You were, but it'd be okay because we can't die.

My eyes narrowed staring down the starry simulacra. Then I lifted my big pawb and sat back. Clearly we were both misunderstanding each other. Agreed. Which is weird because this whole being the same entity but also separate ones was super confusing. I sighed. It seemed like I needed to ask the right questions if I wanted answers without uh, dying. "Will I die if my mortal body dies?" As you are now? Yes. "Why am I so weak if I'm a goddess? Shouldn't I not get tired from making pillows?" You can only channel your divinity through your temple and your mortal body and neither are strong enough to handle all of us, you'd die. You don't have to stop channeling when you get weak but it will hurt and you will die! "So if I took care of my body and fixed up my temple I'd be more powerful?" Yes but you already knew that. "Okay why do prayers help?" Prayers help draw small amounts of your divinity out safely! "Can I use my power to heal myself from over channeling?" Nope, it'd do more harm than good.

Well that answered everything I wanted to know at the moment, I could probably ask again later if I wanted, so uh the last question was, "How do I go back?" My temple perception still showed Zaria holding me even if I wasn't int hat avatar at the moment.

Bye!

And suddenly my mind got thrust back into my body in the temple, not the other one, gosh it was weird to have technically existed in three places at once. Still I uh, I could bless Zaria and also tell her about the stuff I learned. "Oh hi sorry for zoning out I got sucked into my divine realm and met my own divinity and we talked, and also it maybe almost killed me but I know how to grant you magic powers!"

"I have questions." And thus she asked about what happened and I explained everything and then offered her magic powers to which see seemed very interested. "If you could bless me to be able to understand any language as you do I would be extremely grateful."

Focusing on that, I slowly felt the shape of the blessing and how much power that'd take and uhm. I could give her the ability to read any language without hurting myself. So I did that. I formed the blessing using a lot of my power and bestowed upon her the ability to read any language. "I couldn't give you speech but I gave you the ability to read any written language!"

"That's… still an amazing gift. Thank you Melithera, for this gift of knowledge. I will cherish it." Then the Scholar did something really unexpected and kissed the top of my head!

"Eep!" My face turned beet red and I buried it in my hands.

"Too much?"

I shook my head, face still covered in embarrassment. "N-No, it's just you and I and uhm…" I-I couldn't tell her that made me sorta maybe like-like her. That'd be creepy and gross and she probably wouldn't like me back and also I had a date with Nora next weekend.

"You felt like you enjoyed that too much?"

Shamefully I nodded.

"You're a woman who enjoys the company of other women?" That also translated to you're a lesbian but my magic translation told me she was using a euphemism to not be exact but also that there wasn't a more direct word in her language so it was basically the same meaning.

Of course that's when it struck me in the heart that uh, she was calling me a lesbian. I mean I liked girls. And I was a girl but uhm… I uh, hadn't considered that made me gay? Wait that means Nora asking me out was a lesbian crushing on me?! Okay she might be bi or pan but she collared girls and that meant wlw and uh aaaaaaa I was gay? Me gay?! What the heck!

Anyway, I nodded after staring off into space in shock for a bit.

"Understood, though to be clear. I am okay with you taking such enjoyment from my actions, I in fact enjoy providing you with comfort and reassurances and also eliciting such responses. However, I have no carnal desires towards you nor anyone I've ever met, and I do not see that changing."

I peeked and looked up at her. "You're asexual?"

Zaria stares at me eyes wide with shock. "Your language has a word for it? But yes, that is it. Though I still do enjoy cuddling with you, and making you blush. It's just… I see you as something small to be treated well, and given happiness that you have been denied. I feel protective of you like a mother does her daughter… if that makes sense?" Glancing away her own darker cheeks reddened. "I'm sorry if that makes you uncomfortable. I should have held my tongue."

"No it-its fine! Its been nice being cared for? Like I like girls but uhm…" Tears welled up in my eyes as I tried to speak. In both sets of eyes as the words tried to come out and only by magic did they manifest while my throat seized. "My parents never really cared for me? Not like you have. And uhm, It just… being taken care of is really nice. Being protected and looked after, especially when I shut down or panic. I never had anyone. And uhm thank you, for being my friend, even if its in a weird pseudo mom way."

Gripping me tightly in her arms she pulled me in pressing my tear stained face up against her chest. "If I could take you away from them so you never have to suffer their neglect, I would. You are precious, goddess or no." Her hand patted my back as I sobbed into her. "Thank you for letting me care for you."

And those words broke me. Years and years and years of anguish pouring out and she held me together. I'd wished for so long for my parents to love me like this. Longed for some who cared about me. Wishing I had someone to help me feel safe rather than making me feel unsafe. Someone who wouldn't yell constantly, who'd stop my brother from hurting me. Who wanted to protect me.

My heart poured out in my arms and her embrace felt bigger and stronger and more all-encompassing the longer it went on.

On earth my flesh sobbed and cried ever so quietly curled up invisibly by my desk.

Still I was present with Zaria sobbing into her arms. Being held snug and safe in a way I'd never been. My sobbing quieted down after a while and the tears ceased. I simply let her hold me again like she had before only…

Something felt different. I felt smaller and more snug and uhm… I blinked looking at us both through my omni sense finally paying attention to it again. Oh. Oh uhm… I'd transformed myself on accident. Into a smaller form. But not a little fox, a little fox-girl. A younger version of my chosen form.

"S-Sorry." Mumbled my divine voice as I made myself nice and adult again.

"No apologies. The form was cute, and suited you. Though if you're feeling better I would like to get up. I do need to relieve myself. And it is likely time for us both to eat."

Immediately I vanished from her hold and reappeared a few feet away. "But I'm an adult I shouldn't be shapeshifting into a kid. It's wrong and gross and creepy."

The now standing Zaria put her hand on my head. "No. You did nothing wrong, you simply existed in the form that felt most comfortable at the time." And she walked off to go relieve herself in another room.

Even though she said it, I couldn't quite believe I'd done nothing wrong. That wanting to be a kid again even for a moment was somehow heinous and wrong for reasons I couldn't understand. That adopting the form of one was somehow manipulative.

The devout scholar then clapped her hands together in prayer. "Melithera, please assist my friend Melanie and I in caring for ourselves through food and drink." The words sent directly to my brain as a little prayer waiting to be answered.

I summoned her up a new meal, before picking my snot stained body curled up before my desk. My illusion falling into place as magic whisked away the mess on me. I still wore my same oversized hoodie, and boxers with only a big t-shirt underneath.

Sunday ended not with me floating aimlessly in a bath while my body slept, but as she went to bed, Zaria offered to cuddle. Then while secure in her arms she whispered, "Take whatever form that feels most comfortable." I didn't change from my base form, but I did secretly wish I had.